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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fixed his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and fixed his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny, may I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
long-jokes[80]
A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog.
They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"
Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description."
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bible."
And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23".
The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel."
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"
This small church was having money difficulties and the pastor was going to have to bring it before the church the next Sunday morning.
That Sunday morning came and it was time for the morning service. The pastor was informed that the regular organist was sick and a subsitute was going to have to play.
The substitute organist asked about the order of the service and the pastor gave her the hymns to play. He then informed her that at the end of the service he would have to explain to the congeration that the repairs had cost more than expected and there was not enough money to pay for them.
When the end of the service drew near, he relayed the situtation to the church body and asked that any one wishing to donate a hundred dollars or more to please stand and be recognized. At that, the organist began playing the most beautiful rendition of the Star Spangle Banner that anyone had ever heard.
This is how she became the regular organist.
Christian Lightbulb Jokes
1. How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
3. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
4. How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They always use candles instead.
5. How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
6. How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But they are still in darkness.
7. How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? Change?????
8. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
9. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
10. How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
The Coffeepot at Cana
In our church kitchen, whoever drinks the last cup of coffee often fails to replenish the pot for the next person. Trying to motivate the staff to be more responsible, the secretary taped a neatly-typed plea to the pot: "If Jesus drank the last cup of coffee, what would he have done? Go thou and do likewise."
The next morning she found this scrawled response: "Jesus would have turned the water into wine instead of coffee."
—Mae H. Fortson, Black Mountain, North Carolina. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.
The Living Lexicon: Church Terms That Oughta Be
Biblidue: The build-up of bookmarks, bulletins, notes, and other miscellanea that collects in one's Bible.
Clivaholic: One who can no longer control the compulsion to quote C.S. Lewis in every sermon, lesson, or conversation.
Hymnastics: The entertaining body language of the song leader.
Narthexegesis: Unsolicited post-sermon commentary given the preacher by armchair biblical theologians.
Pewtrify: To occupy a precise spot in the sanctuary for more than 15 years without once showing signs of sentient life.
Ministereotype: A common myth or misconception about any ordained person.
Deaconscript: An unwilling church officer cajoled into a position of leadership.
Hi-litaholic: One who cannot resist highlighting Bible verses until the entire volume is a multihued mass of Day-Glo vibrancy.
Hymnprovisation: The abrupt and unannounced transition from one song to another, usually a chorus unfamiliar to most present.
Proliferation: An abundance of anti-abortion activists.
Pulpituitary: That phenomenon familiar to those seated on the front pew, during which a preacher produces hazardous conditions with alliterative Ps.
—Rob Suggs in Leadership, Vol. 10, no. 2.
